like somebody had walked off mid-sentence. I wasn’t snooping. I was folding towels. I read three lines before I even saw the name at the top of the page. Megan Leigh Rowan. My daughter.
I volunteer at the women’s shelter out on Route 4. Tuesday nights. I fold towels and sort the donation bins and I tell myself it makes me a decent person. That’s the part I need you to understand before I tell you the rest. I went there to feel clean. Nine years of folding strangers’ towels so I could stop seeing my own kid’s face when I closed my eyes.
Because nine years ago I put Megan out of the house. She was seventeen. She stood in my kitchen and told me she was pregnant, and I didn’t ask one single question. I went upstairs, got the blue suitcase out of the hall closet, set it down by her feet, and said, “Figure it out.” That was it. That was the whole conversation.
She was crying. She kept saying, “Mom, please, you don’t get it.” And I said, “I get it just fine.” She tried again. “It’s not what you think.” And I told her I didn’t want to hear it. I actually held my hand up like a stop sign. I can still see my own hand doing that.
Here’s the thing I want to say about the years before that.
Megan used to be glued to me. She’d climb in my bed on Saturdays and we’d watch those cooking shows and she’d tell me which contestant was gonna get sent home. She was a sweet, funny kid. Loud laugh. Hugged everybody. That’s who she was before she went quiet.
And she did go quiet. Around fourteen, fifteen, she just folded in on herself. Stopped hugging people. Started keeping her bedroom door shut and asked me, more than once, if she could put a lock on it. I told her no, we don’t do locked doors in this house. I thought she was being a moody teenager. My husband Dale said the same thing. “She’s just looking for attention,” he’d say. “Leave her be.” So I left her be.
Dale. I married him when Megan was eleven. He was good to me. Steady, paid the bills, never raised his voice. When Megan got pregnant and I lost it, he was the one who stayed calm. He sat at the table and said, “She made her bed.” He said a kid who throws her future away like that needs to feel the weight of it. And God help me, I agreed with him. I leaned on him. I thought I was the one being strong.
After she left, I didn’t chase her. That’s the part that’s hard to type. She texted me twice that first week. The first one said, “Mom I have nowhere to go.” I didn’t answer. The second one said, “Please just call me.” I deleted it. I told myself she’d come crawling back and apologize and we’d deal with it then. She never called again. Nine years, not once. I told everyone she was the one who cut me off.
So Tuesday night, I’m holding her file. My hands are doing this weird shaky thing. Intake date, March 14, 2018. That was three months after I put her out. Three months. I always pictured her landing somewhere soft. A friend’s couch. The baby’s father’s family, whoever he was. I never once pictured her here, in a place exactly like the one I fold towels in to feel good about myself.
I kept reading. Seventeen weeks pregnant when she walked in. Then there was a note further down, in a different pen. It said she gave birth in the shelter bathroom. In the bathroom. Because she couldn’t cover the ER copay and was scared they’d turn her away. My grandchild was born on a tile floor while I was probably home arguing with Dale about what restaurant to go to.
Then I got to the form she filled out herself. I knew her handwriting the second I saw it. She always made her R’s funny, with a little loop. Under Emergency Contact she wrote one word. None. Under Family Support, same thing. None. I read those two Nones about ten times. My whole body just kind of stopped working for a second.
And then there was the last box. Reason for Seeking Shelter. Most people put a few words. Megan wrote out a whole sentence, and that’s when my legs went and I sat down right there on the supply room floor with the towels still in my lap.
She wrote: “My mother found out I was pregnant and told me to figure it out. I tried to tell her that the father was her husband.”
I read it. Then I read it again because the words wouldn’t go in. The father was her husband. Her husband. My husband. Dale.
I sat on that floor and I went back through every quiet year. The locked door she wanted. The way she stopped hugging him first, then everybody. The flinch when he stood behind her chair. “She’s just looking for attention.” The way she begged me, in my kitchen, “It’s not what you think,” and I put my hand up like a stop sign because I already had the man’s side of it before she ever opened her mouth.
She didn’t run from me because she was a scared pregnant teenager. She ran because the one person who was supposed to protect her handed her a suitcase and chose the man who did it. She tried to tell me. She got nine words out. “It’s not what you think, Mom.” And I shut the door.
I don’t know how long I sat there. The intake coordinator found me and asked if I was okay and I said something about my knees. I couldn’t say the real thing out loud. I still can’t, really. I took a picture of that file with my phone, which I know I shouldn’t have done. Then I drove home.
That was four nights ago. I have not found Megan yet. The shelter can’t give me anything, and I understand why, I’m the last person on earth she’d want knocking. I’ve been looking. There’s a county over where I think she might be. I don’t know what I’d even say. “Sorry” is such a small, stupid word for it. There’s no word the right size.
Dale is still in the house. He’s upstairs asleep right now. I’ve been sitting in my car in the driveway since I got home, looking up at our bedroom window, at the light, then no light. I keep my phone in my lap with that photo of her file on the screen. The two Nones. The little loop on her R.
I haven’t gone inside yet. I keep thinking about her writing that sentence on a clipboard in a place full of strangers, finally telling somebody the whole thing, and the only person who needed to hear it wasn’t even in the room. She got to finish it that time. I just wasn’t there.
